things that give me the warm fuzzies

This Fall/Winter, these are the things I'm thinking about:

- reuniting with old friends
- strong female athlete role models.
- making art with friends.
- police women of dallas
- turning sweat into strength thanks to my trainer <3
- flannel sheets
- my co-workers, i love their energy
- having my own room for a little
- 5 weeks of fulltime employment
- sparkly painted nails
- minnie mouse slipper socks
- overlooking your title for true friends, or even friendly faces
- mommy
- hugs.
- my SUPER CLEAN bathroom
- Last Christmas from the OC soundtrack
- penne a la VODKA MMMMMMMM
- eye candy.
- managed to clean my ugg boots
- reuniting with old roommates
- getting straight As
- graduating on time!

all i can taste is champagne

i forget to blog like i forget to tweet. but i don't forget to eat candy and get a full night's sleep! that's for sure!!!

i keep finding whoppers all over my floor, my room, in my bed... thank you johnny. they're EVERYWHERE! makes me smile though...johnny and chocolate, what could be better?!

gotta go to a meeting in a couple minutes with the boss, then hitting up the gym because i skipped yesterday. today is upper body, going to shoot for big muscles. HAHHAAA i sound silly but yeah, working on my fitness, i wanna stay fit ;)

night class :( but hopefully we get out early? so i can do my errands... nothing like grocery shopping at 9pm! but hey, it's gotta get done.

i do feel like shopping though! just not at stop & shop... more like target, VS, DSW.... etc....

oh well!

life's not bad. almost THANKSGIVING, thank goodness.

deuces

i'm about to write in my other blog, so why not write here first to get warmed up a little!

I just watched Animal House for the first time... suppose it explains my Dad's life, but overall, I couldn't keep up with it... too many characters and I got kinda bored.

Perhaps that's because I was painting my nails while I watched...but they look good! Too bad they always get screwed up when I sleep.

Had a lovely walk in the wind today with my roomies. Needed some bonding time. Still weirdly quiet though :/

Watching millionaire matchmaker...crazy. Still can't resist. As great as a millionaire could be, I have much different needs these days :)

At lunch today, we started talking all about how kids are over-medicated and they can't get anything done.. then on my walk, we were talking about how the world could be like wall-e and how we can't live without our phones. That's why I'm excited about my life plan. Lots of sunshine in my kids' future (ok not that I'm planning that far in advance) but realistically I could be having kids in 3 years... thinking about kids because it's Halloween and they look so presh in costumes!!

okay time to write about walgreens.

bye bye

and i'm like.... ___ you and ___ you too

I'm in a shitty mood now. NO reason today had to be this way but sometimes interacting with people makes me angry. or sad. or whatever frustrating feeling I have right now.



student activities= frustrating. "professionals?" HA.



it's so immature to be posting your feelings all around facebook... so yep, this is what my online diary is for.



being disappointing makes me feel so crappy but then i never know how to react. do i just apologize and move on? i'm awful at the moving on, i like when everyone likes me. but i get so caught up in having everyone like me that i forget the ones who matter... like the ones who pay me. fml today, just f it, i should try laying down and waking up on the other side of the bed.



so much work this weekend. normally a good thing but not when i feel so crappy about everything.



spending more money tonight. woo hoo. fml. again. love one lady, end up paying so much. dammit.



i just feel like punching the computer screen.

i wonder sometimes about the outcome of this still verdictless life

am I living it right?

well I just typed this blog and it got deleted. so I'm feeling a little defeated. My resources are depleted. (yep, I'm a rappah now--SAMMY ADAMS)

I'm in the mood to snuggle but alas, I have to get dressed up-- last night of senior week interviews. We shall pick afterwards. VERY excited but so tough because we had SO MANY qualified people interview with us. Everyone will find their purpose though, back to EXCITED! 2011 baby!

Half the things I just wrote, I won't re-write because I just needed to get them out and even though nobody read them, it still feels nice to type them.

Next on the agenda, the job search paralyzation has hit-- I'm terrified. I feel like I'm qualified to do a job but don't know where or who would hire me. BLAH. Made me cry just thinking about it last night. Poor Johnny has to listen to my sobbing over no reason (and let's face it, I'm not moving to California so I can chill the eff out!)

I want chocolate :(

Already frustrated with my partner.

Although-- today-- didn't bite off the head of a particular friend who is making me want to bang my head on the wall. GREAT!

I feel like I have no homework, but I'm sooo not in the mood for art lately. OR picking courses for my last semester of senior year. I just want to curl up into a ball. Good thing grown-ups can snuggle too. and I'm really fortunate to have someone who makes me feel fantastic doing just that.

He knows the right things (most of the time) and that's an amazing feeling. I hope I'm not pushing it too hard. But my feet were rubbed, I get hugged, I don't know, I just crave that contact, so ya gotta give it to me!

I sound like a nut case. I miss people. The good people in the world.

Mama's bday is Sunday. yikes! so is an old friend's but we haven't talked in too long-- but I hope he knows he changed my life.

Now I'm spacing out.

Had a great day with my kitchen boys Gus & Marc making cuppycakes for Doyle's 21st. We're so old. but really, the people here take care of me and it's nice to know I can count on people, while still having fun. I just gotta remember that we have a professional relationship and I prob shouldn't freak out and turn on the waterworks at any time.


Why, Georgia, Why.

let the rain fall down, i'm coming clean

so i'm feeling a little bit antisocial... i think everyone is entitled to these days of reflection, especially since i have my smile turned on brightly every other moment of my life-- it's my job. Gotta fulfill all the duties as best I can.

Went out to lunch with Mama Cass today. I hate that I've essentially seen her once this entire school year. That's totally NOT okay. I just don't want to lose one of the most important people in my life.

I went shopping today. Drove all the way to Meriden, backroads, and on my way, I FOUND SONIC!!! I got a cherry limeade something-or-other with ice cream in it. Took them FOREVER to take my order and even longer to make. I was not thrilled, that's for sure.

I went to a bunch of random stores, on a quest for boots and Mommy's birthday gift... 0 for me, 3 for her. Chances are, she won't love any of them, but at least the thought was there and she can return things and get some money back. I also got Johnny the coolest present (okay not that cool but it's perfect in 3 ways) and I got myself a sweatshirt I've wanted but it was on sale, so woo hoo for sales.

On the way home, I also stopped to grab a vanilla chai from Dunkin. Keeps me running, that's for sure. Left me all warm and toasty. Unfortunately, I'm still feeling anti-social. I'd like to just go to a movie or something, get my snuggle on, you know? but we're having people over for a 21st birthday celebration. The roomies are pumped. Jello shots have been made-- sounds like a party, right?

Good thing for mindless TV- like That 70s Show.

I wish Police Women of Memphis was on though :(

wish list

i wish i could stop wanting, but fail.

-new asics kicks
-vans sneaks for all the time wearing
-uggs with the button
-ugg moccasins
-ll bean wicked good slippers
-rugby shirt
-pandora bracelet. with the braided band and just 3 or 4 charms, nothing too much!
-vera bradley large duffel
-blackberry... BOLD
-sparkly nail polish. (ha ha ha, i am 10)
-citizens jeans

i love clothes and shoes and accessories. all there is to it!

i got... 99 praaaaalems n dey all btchezz

thoughts of the day:

i love ice. ice in everything. especially ice water, ice soda, ice coffee etc. and ice cream. DUH

i'm all worked out. miserable. getting sick. need some sleep. staying in tonight for sure. going out sunday night... for sure.

lots of chores to do and no desire to do them. probably going to just get in bed instead!

i want to be a nicer person. and know when to censor what i'm thinking. because i really have no filter and i'm not sure everyone appreciates that. agh, i really just wish i didn't care what people thought about me, but alas-- i do! must be the image management PR person in my blood. seriously, I think I was born for PR.

The most homework I have? Watercolor. Which I can't get done at work, so that's on the agenda for tonight. I also didn't really eat too much dinner so I'll have to think of something to make... but I'm too sleepy. Maybe I'll just cook some peas. Ew, how weird am I.

This just in though, I hate sushi. Even all veggies (because we all know I'm not eating fish!)... just hated the taste. Too salty... and weird consistency. I wasted 5 buckeroos on some and ate 2 and threw out the rest. Oh well, trying to practice the whole "don't eat it just because it's there" philosophy. Good job Kaz.

So funny that people still see me as Kazin is Amazin.

Also-- had the most fun last night at Aunchies. I love being a senior, and I'm so thankful I've been involved in so many things, and met so many people, because to be in a room with hundreds of my closest friends is just phenomenal, let me tell you. Cheek kisses and hugs all around. Made me feel like I was back on top of the world. Then I go back to sleep and realize it was only just a dream (cue Nelly song here... ew, Nelly?)

13 more minutes at RTSC.

I tend to forget to blog

Today/Tonight's entry...

how we really seem to be the perfect pair.

you understand the purpose of song lyrics? so rare.

and you're cute as hell.

only one obstacle, but these days, that's taking the backseat. i'm just feeling like this could be my life, and i'm more than okay with that. so let's deal with obstacles when they come and try not to prematurely flip out. maybe some day i'll have all my natural feelings back so i can feel everything on the spectrum... although being stable really isn't that bad.

senior year is off to a lovely start... feels like summer outside, although it's TOO hot, but the classes are solid. Also-- a work a holic at age 21. is that bad? maybe, but i'm collecting while i can so i can enjoy things later with all the dough i'm making :)

back to work... seeing as it's my life!

back to school, back to school

so here's the scoop--

interning is over. summer flew by. it was really fantastic. marked with bonfires and beers and some great friends, both old and new.

my wishes that this year is marked with equal parts learning, fun, hugs, work, and job-finding. mainly job finding, but the right people are the most important ingredient in my recipe for happiness.

hamden for good on tuesday. can't wait to decorate the place!

unfortunately for this fall, there are a few important ties at home i'm not ready to break. let's hope that miles don't matter.

here's to adulthood.

happy friday!

TGIF, as we like to say.

Looking forward to this weekend-- OTB, Rascal & Beach with MAMA CASS! WOO.

Last weekend? BLAST. absolutely. Sang Karaoke with maxxtone on the deck, hung out with some of my favorites... life's pretty good. Went to 6 flags this week, had a BLAST there too. Now I have a week SOLO.

Lace's gone. Fam's gone. Friends are gone. I'll have to go shopping to pass the time...

Cannot believe I watched Jersey Shore meets MIAMI last night but it was hilariously painful. All they talk about is hooking up with people and drinking and clubbin' and partying. Like come on people, do you have ANY aspirations? and to find out, my girl Snooks gets $10K/ appearance? Yikes Neon Ent., what could she possibly have to say besides her bronzer is melting off, obama taxes people like her for tanning.... oy, what a trip. I can't help but say I met her though! Check out my FB for pics :)

Only two more weeks interning :( I'm going to miss this place, seriously. But that means it's back to Hamden and for that, I couldn't be more excited. But thus begins the job search. I found an internship I want for Fall, but I wish there was a paycheck to come with it-- then again, the best things in life are free... and a nice guy's retiring today... can you imagine that? Here I am with 40 more years left, and he's just done. Blah. Oh well, once I find an amazing career, I won't work a day in my life. Need TO PLAN EVENTS!!!

Okay, that's about it for now. Could use a hug. Wish I could have a shopping day with Mommy. But nope, a few more hours here.

Peace Out

little miss sunshine

so i have to say that all in all, i'm doing pretty well.

it's been over a month since I last blogged, meaning that I've been busy-- NOT that I've had nothing to say, because honestly, I ALWAYS have something to say! Staying busy is good for my brain, body, etc. because otherwise my mind goes stir-crazy, as does my body, but between my full-time job/internship, working out to stay sane, family bonding (because i owe them my life), and attempting to be social, I really am feeling the summer slip away, and wish I had some more free time to bask in the sun... this is it, and i've been realizing it. My last summer before the next 40 years of my life. I am an adult, and I know I need to act like one, but it's just so tempting to be silly. I don't think I'll ever lose that, but I need some serious training to be able to sit still 40 hours a week for 40 years... on little sleep. I also need to learn to accept days without exercise, or rather, find a way to sneak it in, even on the busiest days. It's like the quote from legally blonde-- happy people just don't shoot their husbands. Endorphins push me every day and I need to exercise to feel like my best self. So once again, the key is balance. Everyone struggles with balance, but I'm just so determined to find it for myself and my peace of mind.

It's hard to move on past a chapter of your life but I think I've been doing okay. I do need lots of affection though, and it's funny to see how different I feel when I'm surrounded by kisses and hugs. I used to resist contact, but now I crave it. I need it. So I must find it... tastefully of course.

This weekend aims to be a blast. I have a concert Friday night and a giant house party Sunday, so I'm hoping that mother nature cooperates, along with my liver (kidding, kidding...) so that this is one of the most memorable weekends to date. Must. take. pictures. Good thing Josh is an amazing photographer. He makes animals, and Jenny look so so so amazing, I'm wondering if he can capture me that way too. I'd frame it :)

It's interesting the way I crave routine, yet manage to get sick of them too. I'm just consistenly inconsistent is basically the answer there (remember Hot Hot Heat!) For example, I love the gym. I love body pump. But I just want to hike, or bike, or ANYTHING different for a day. But I never do. I just cling to the norm's.

I'll just have to write more often, although I doubt anyone reads!

determined to make it.

You've got to think about big things while you're doing small things so that all the small things go in the right direction.

it's been awhile

i haven't blogged in a bit, but let's say i'm going to bed feeling a little better about the world. i feel like i did good today, even if it just means someone knows i'm thinking about them. small things add up (i hope. and maybe even pray a little).

i've been avoiding my laptop now that i sit on the computer 8 hours a day at work! i work, eat a lot, gym, and sleep. then repeat. a lot. there's my summer in a nutshell! i have a collage to do, a quilt to make, geez, i even should be making a birthday card right now but all creativity is draining from me as i enter this grown-up life.

i'm actually realizing this is my last year to really live carefree (although, if you know me, i could NEVER/have NEVER/will NEVER be carefree...) because in one year, I will (hopefully) be a full-time employee... somewhere. That freaks me out. Honestly, I don't know what I want to do. I wish money didn't matter because I'd absolutely be a party planner. However, the utilities are more and more appealing every day that I get paid. What to do, what to do. Mom is right, I don't have to be at the same job my entire career like people (dad) used to do. It's okay to change my mind. I just need to not have a mental breakdown. Keep it together.

and PS I want to move to Rhode Island. Live near a beach, plan gorgeous weddings, okay ready GO!

it's been one week since you looked at me

wow barenaked ladies reference?!

regardless of my choice in lyrics, next friday night is going to be even better than this one. in my snuggie, in my bed, but + JQ <3 <3 <3 I feel like a 7th grader with all my little sideways hearts but I just don't care and I had a great 5 minute conversation tonight and he was a happy bear and i can't wait for a big hug. 7 days. one week. 5 days at my desk. so close :)

AH 4 DAYS AT MY DESK. yay for Monday being Memorial Day... thanks to those who've fought for our country, gotta throw it out there.

Going to temple in the morning, mostly so I can wear my new pencil skirt. Maybe it's a selfish reason but I feel good about myself right now, and I never had that confidence in that building with all THOSE people, so I'm hoping this can be a kick in the face to THOSE girls. Not that they even remember what "JEWISH" is, let alone who I am.

Ali's facial expressions on the Bachelorette killed me. There's a couple guys on there I like, but hello Roberto! We can salsa ANYTIME ;)

...kidding. now if only Jasy was a dancer. (1. Don't you all like my new pet name, and 2. I actually am glad he's not a dancah...because I can't date a guy who's more grateful than me!)

I love working. I don't love waking up. I do love writing. It's a creative outlet and I should've done it in high school rather than just editing everyone else's stuff. I could do it in Montage but I'm more likely to be judged and we all know I don't need that. I'm trying to BUILD confidence rather than slash it!

bedtime at 10pm. Oh yes. the life of a working woman.

being an intern

so i go to work in the morning. i sit at my computer. i write masterpieces. i wear cute outfits. i can't wait to be a grownup.

i want to join BBBS. next year at school. i just want to make a difference in someone's life. a real difference. not just "you made me smile today" because even though that's great, i want to make a lasting impact, a lasting impression on someone. and i'm told there's nothing like a child's love, but i've never had that truly. and i'm not about to have my own babes, so i want to find a kiddo to love me. i just want to help everyone. and not with money but with time and i just want to be someone's role model.

side note, ellen degeneres, awesome hair.

i love reading books.

okay random thoughts, shut off brain now, bed.

i'm upset.

i'm upset right now.

i had a good day at work and a fantastic workout. but i have this horrible feeling because a little girl is suffering. partially self-inflicted, and partially just a result of circumstance. regardless, i hate it.

i just hope i can avoid that in my life. and for my children.

all mixed up

i'm a bundle of emotions.

i annoy myself.

perfection

kisses on my back.

J

i'm really excited to see J.

scratches and craters

i have a giant scrape on my leg. look what happens when i try to clean up my stuff and put it away. my box of cereal and soda, bought with my last mealplan dollars, fell off its perch and the lid scraped my entire shin.

knee to ankle.

there goes one effort to feel great about myself in florida.

and my face is breaking out.

FAN-effing-TASTIC.

is it too much to ask to just want to feel AMAZING one time? or ever?

the not-so-lovely bones

can i just say how freaking weird the lovely bones is...

i understood the book when i read it, but this movie has lost me. i mean it's kinda trippy. i don't understand half of the connections.

and how did she die if she was running away just fine?

and now susie salmon is in "heaven?" looks more like avatar. or the lord of the rings. or some mystical land.. but she's not happy in heaven, she's tweakin' out!

also, creepy actress. therefore, mission accomplished by casting people.

i kind of want to just turn this off...except i forget how it ends, so i'm going to watch it through to the end just to refresh my memory.

...turning on all the lights in the house now...

27 Dresses

James Marsden. Yes please.

27 Dresses is how I see my life. I am Jane. I will do everything for everyone else, and someday, I hope it pays back big, in my own way.

and maybe I'll marry a movie star? Yes, this is about the only time I ever crush on a celebrity... besides Jonathan Taylor Thomas in approximately 7th grade.

Time for sandal shopping and a trip to the Y.

snap, crackle, pop

They just showed Rice Krispies Treats on tv... MMM

I'm watching Friends. What a lovely afternoon, all wrapped up in my snuggie! It's chilly outside!!! I just got back from the dentist. Hygenist is a nut job. Whacko. Something is NOT right up there.

This is why she pisses me off:
-Don't ask me questions while your tools are in my mouth, how the hell am I supposed to respond to you?
-She raises and lowers the chair when I'm perfectly capable of sitting up and down myself... if I'm gonna do it anyway, it's obnoxious, and wastes TIME
-She giggles. Make it stop. Brings on an evil-dentist kind of feel...
-Wears skechers.
-Tells me my teeth are perfect... BS, they're all CHIPPY. ARGH. Offer to help, come on now.
-She tells me that she COULD half ass it, but chooses not to. Okay, seriously, I expect you to clean all the parts in my mouth you dumb _ _ _ _ _! That's what I'm paying you for!

the end. not going to her again.

I just got all my travel size goodies for florida! YAY for sunshine. It's so chilly here, I'm sure it will be gorgeous there. I wonder what QfB will wear. Also, unsure why I call him that. He's just so cool. =P

I have the munchies again. typical lindsay. I would love some more snacks!!!

Jack Bauer tonight! WOO.

I want to hang out with real live humans my age, but I just want people I can chill-out with. Watch tv. Play scrabble. Not have to watch sports, and just eat cookies and ice cream. Any takers? I just keep feeling like I don't have a winner yet. I'm 4 days in, and trying to keep up my spirits.

Philly/ Florida on Friday. please please please. be magical for me.

ready,set,go.

oh how light my wallet feels

140 on the train. i guess the drive would be super far and at least i can relax on the train. long day travelling though, that's for sure.

everything's coming up roses

jq made my day.

roses?

unexpected. lovely. sweetheart.

in shambles

the house is a wreck. i don't want to move. don't know where to start.

laundry mountains. yes.

beach would be better!

so... this is summer

here i am, thursday night, in bed at 9:36. typical first night at home in my big bed!

the house is in shambles as always. no idea where anything is, so i'm putting off REALLY getting ready for bed because that would involve looking for contact stuff and a toothbrush. let's see how long i can go without finding these necessary items...not long because i'm sleepy!

i went another day without tears. i don't mean to make it sound like i'm so emotional that i can't control the tear flow, but sometimes, yeah, it's out of my control. not sure what it was about today, but i'm taking on the world. here's summer and i will make the best of it. guaranteed. and i get to see my lovebug in just a week. not sure how i'm getting there though because transportation people have the nerve to charge $536 for a 1.5 hour flight... $156 for a 5 hour train ride... and even $130 for an 8 hour bus ride. I think I'll be driving there in the middle of the night. Just pray my car doesn't die in the effing BX. oy. but really, a $30 tank of gas is way more in my budget.

okay contact time, gotta do it.

anddd i'm back. pajamatized. glasses on. chippy teeth are brushed. and i'm in my flannels. i love how this is summer but i'm freezing! and snuggly. so i suppose i win in the longrun. miss my usual snuggle friends... i have a stuffed dog and bear in this bed. and my real pup is in the living room. he's getting chubby! but all the more squishable, yes.

need an eyebrow wax. pedicure. manicure. if only paige was here to bring me! i probably won't go alone...and mom won't pay, so i need that girl!

i just want to shop some more. but i've spent enough money the past week... outlet shopping, panera, birthday presents... but alas, i get such a high from bargain shopping. what a froot loop i am sometimes!

katie harris was such a sweet roomie. she made me a photo collage and it's adorable and nice and neat edges so i can hang it up next year and take her with me. maybe if she reads my diary here, she will comment on it! i'm surprised she didn't make it pink and green though! with some ke$ha lyrics... but it's awesome nonetheless. i feel bad i didnt cry over that either, but i really did love it. i just turned off the tear ducts today!

i'm thinking about a cartilege piercing... hypocrite that i am... i always called it molly's slut earring but i just want to put a sparkle somewhere else on my body. love jewelry. and flowers. and virtual flowers. and prezzys. and giant red cups. and snuggles.

tomorrow is laundry mountain here in my house. so many things to wash and clean and organize. i don't know anyone else who has as many clothes as me, yet only likes 4 things. i'd donate, but i don't want to waste money, since i buy most of my outfits with my own money. now i should stop accessorizing and save for gas money! and drinking. oh 21 <3, how you are expensive.

margueritas. very strong at el amigos. i only like frozen marg's, but they were charging 20 bills per glass? I DO NOT THINK SO. rip off. therefore, spent my 8 dollars, had fun with kll, and carved my name in a bench! cool yo'.

i forgot to go say bye to my public affairs people. i'll have to go over the summer... but definitely in the fall. they were all too good to me to forget about them. not possible for me to do that. i want to babysit little cheekies so i have to make her like me!!!

baby fever. they're everywhere. so cute. yet somehow like weeds. wish i could just borrow one for awhile... oh yes, that's what babysitting is! i want to be close to kids, like Dar Williams-- the babysitter's here. would be lovely to be a role model again. i actually miss teaching Hebrew School to the little buggers.

I can't wait to start reading. leave some ideas for me to read over the summer :) at my imaginary beach... known as a towel on my deck. although now i can have a drink in hand!

okay, tired fingers. tired eyes. tired everything. should have some new bruises tomorrow from moving so much stuff around today... or rather banging things against myself by accident because i'm a klutz. too bad i bruise ridiculously easy.

you can still love me though!

pce bloggerz

=)

senior year

senior year is upon us.

woah there.

one art critique away friends.

packing up the dustbunnies.

forgot to eat lunch.

out tonight para el cinco de mayo. no hablar espanol. je parle francais (un peu)

slumber party maybe later gators? :)

rocket summer

"i can't help it, i got too many issues i own
so i cannot help i'm afraid, yeah
so keep on preachin, preachin to heal the world
lip service makes us look great
do you feel
the weight of the world
singin' sorrow
or to you is it just not real
cause you got your own things
yeah we all have our things
i guess.
i guess my mind wanders off
from time to time
sometimes i convince myself
that all is fine
in a world that's not mine
why should i have to try
to fix things i didn't create or contrive?"

things i COULD love

love letters in ink.

my lucky day....5.4

bat mitzvah 8 years ago. wtf. wow.

ate horrendously today.

raisin bran crunch. fruit cup. muffin. friendlys. mega coffee. two more muffins. lots of water. my poor stomach is going to hate me.

but my wallet is feeling light! lots of money spent today at the outlets... completely worth it. things fit perfectly. and they fit mama cass as well. i was so pleased :)

i'm at work. chillin til thursday after my art critique. legit no point in being here. i'm just rotting. must workout LONG TIME tomorrow. stay skinny.

i hate body image pressures. we should all wear uniforms.

tough last night. tears. typical. i always comprehend but don't know how to process information and respond appropriately. like i say i can emphasize but sometimes i'm over-zealous in that regard. i seek balance but alas cannot find it. maybe this is all wrong. or maybe it's teaching me a greater life lesson. i just thought i was worth it :(

things i struggle with:

orientation
greek life
nicaragua
chronicle layouts
making my own iced coffee
resisting baked goods. (not possible)
mean people.
the world revolving around money.
QU's new lightning rod poles on dorm road
eating well. i love bread.
"ride the drift"
emotions
keeping nail polish nice and pretty
being smooth
johnny leaving
summer. home. alone.
relatives.
saving money.
BEING POSITIVE.

i enjoy these random listings though. perhaps a "things i love" post will come... maybe if i get bored enough... otherwise, i am not sunshiney right now, although my turbo giant mega huge beastly ice caffffeeee from dunks, dunkos, dunkies SHOULD be prying my eyelids open... FAIL

i'm frigid in the SC. i thought it was summer! crazy weather today though, pouring rain, thunder, lightning, sunshine, drizzle, clouds... oh new england, you're my home.

RITA'S WATER ICE. best invention ever. gelato/i? 642X better than the six flags version, fo sho.

i have so many concerts i want to go to but it's tough deciding if happiness or saving money is more important:

rascal flatts in the fall
OAR in july
bamboozle roadshow
the maine/ cartel the day i'm back home
counting crows

music=my life. makes me happy. because music is what feelings sound like. so true, so true. i just need that free feeling of singing at the top of my lungs. there has to be a soulmate that shares that with me. right now i just feel kinda alone, and like i'm not a good fit to the puzzle. and i'm hating that. don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

big girls don't cry?

big girls DO cry. a lot, if you're me. and i am a 21-year-old big girl. shoot, that's gonna make this summer wildly expensive too. DO NOT BECOME an alcoholic. although i might just drink and pretend that mike and his hard lemons are my friends every night after work.

i gotta join a gym at home. i might as well spend hours toning my body in case that will make someone love me someday.

maybe i need stronger chemicals. eff you see kay. :(

the weirdest thing, is i should just be happy i have so many things in my life to be thankful for. but why do i just have such a hard time accepting things? since when am i a dreamer? too bad i can't dream to better the world. i'm too damn selfish.

SHUT. OFF. BRAIN.

---NOW---

french fries vs ice cream

mommy made me eat fries. i prefer ice cream. it's too hot. i want wentworth's. but alas, its sunday.

perhaps a chipwich later?

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

done with classes. one paper, presentation, and art critique away from being a senior. they didn't lie when they said time flies.

it's beautiful outside and i really want to play some tennis but i don't want to break JQ :( i need to do some physical activity today to make up for the rest of this week.

love that there's a UHAUL truck outside to move someone's stuff. i probably need one too.

this morning, saw two old guys on bikes, 10:30 in the morning, carrying a 12-pack of natty light. only in hamden my friends... or maybe in hamPden as well.

just made a ballin tie dye. perfect spiral and it's so bright. i love tie dye.

going to old navy today! woo. and CLINTON WITH MAMA CASS ON WEDS. I CANT WAIT!

so i haven't blogged in forever, but i got an internship at NU, meaning I get to buy some new pretty clothes! YAY for shopping. i love clothes. and shoes. and everything fun.

i hate group projects but love FR for being my supporter/ partner in crime. Thanks girlfriend.

quote of the week-- blondes have more fun but readheads get whatever they want. so true, and i dont understand it. oh well, they always seem happy... probs because theyre in control!!

waiting for molly. let's GOOOO.

maybe ill write again soon... although i ALWAYS say that

they're their and there

Group projects? Frustrating. Although I shouldn't complain because I barely have any homework. I don't think it's because I'm a PR major... I just think I like what I do so it doesn't feel like work! However, athletes as PR majors makes me look bad... not sure how you're going to succeed in "ARE" world. like COME ON.

I'm glad to know this could make you smile. It's often easier to put my feelings on paper, obviously in the form of song lyrics, and hope that you might be affected by them someday, somehow...

Dashboard plays this weekend. I'm not going. I want to see a SoCo reunion tour. PLEASE. No idea what you got me for my birthday. Although I don't want to really care about THINGS, I feel like these tokens represent so much more. I don't care how much it costs, but the fact that you'd take the time to pay attention to what I say means a lot, so little thoughtful treats are the best.

I don't want to be that girl that gives up everything for her boyfriend, but these days that's hard. I finally understand. I'd be okay if we were the last two people on the earth...so I'm starting to get it... the "it" being my life since 8th grade. Big Sigh goes here. I don't want to fit that stereotype though, because girls are mean and I don't want to be hated on. I care wayyy too much about what other people think, so I have to be conscious of ALL my actions. I hope I'm pleasing everyone and doing okay, because overall, I'm pleasing myself.

21 in a week. YIKES. It's always a terrible test to see who cares about me. Dumb, but I wouldn't mind some AMAZIN KAZIN love on the 29th :)

Back to work, more later.

four letter words

it's weird how i'll get the sudden urge to blog... at 1:22AM.

the word of the day is love. i can see it building and i can see it breaking. at least i think so... (on both accounts).

it's so hard to know what's the right thing to do. i love giving advice but it's so difficult sometimes. personal immediate happiness vs. longterm overall satisfaction? tough call, especially as "i want it now" college students. please, everything just work out because i LOVE you pal :)

and i feel bad being so happy when you're so sad. but i haven't felt this way in a LONG time. i almost feel untouchable, in a fantastic way. i can't wipe off my cheshire cat grin. and i held hands in public? what happened. maybe it's that word again. i don't want to freak anyone out but i see it as that feeling where you care enough about someone that your life would be distinctly different without them, and you'd be lacking. so that's how i feel. i probably won't say it, but neither will you... mostly because neither of us know when it's the right thing to do, IF it's the right thing to do, but it will make the vacation that much more meaningful... maybe. i just feel fantastic, honestly, so even if the vaca flops, i'll be okay. although at some point we should make strides... maybe. again, i'm so unsure, i just don't want to ruin anything. but i need to figure out my breaking point of trying to please others so that i never reach that point. breaking is BAD. helping is good. loving is great.

i love how these make no sense. although nobody reads my blog so i'm the only one who has to understand it! although the old lindsay still wonders if anyone cares... there's the emo kid in me!

i hope you tingle like i do baby. (hope like and baby... 3 four-letter words)

one song, glory

actually two songs of the moment.


FIRST:
"reaching for the phone 'cuz I can't fight it anymore
and I wonder if I ever cross your mind
for me it happens all the time.
it's a quarter after one, i'm all alone
and i need you now.
said i wouldn't call but i lost all control
and i need you now.
and i don't know how I can do without
I just need you now."
-Lady Antebellum

SECOND:
"last night's dream
we rode our bikes to our treehouse by the sea
and there we laid and said we'd never leave.
last night's dream
I promise you would have the whole world at your feet
and that we'd lay on a bed we made of leaves
and we both know you're everything i need"
-We the Kings

Yes, I know, varied music tastes, but all good and all emotion-packed fantastic songs.

it's a quarter after one, i'm a little drunk and i need you now

shalom readers... aka NADINE who is the only one who reads this!

I'm obsessed with Need You Now by Lady Antebellum, thank you Erin Webster :) I need to get the song on my iPod instead of youtubing it constantly.

I'm 20 minutes away from being caught up with FNL & Tim Riggins... but sidereel says I've watched too much today :( Then I get to watch some with J.Queezy, my ultra gangster boyfriend. Does that require a quarter in the jar if he's the hood one?

Went ice skating today, felt AMAZING. I want to go EVERY day. Wish there were lights at night and I wish I had a twin I could force to come with me so I don't fall in.

Didn't go to the Y today but ice skating counts, right? Gotta hit the gym tomorrow. Must put on a swimsuit Thursday so gotta tone up that jelly belly as Mr. Fraser would say (miss that guy and his Captain Crunches!) I need a personal trainer.

I'm jealous of Hummel's bracelet Jen made because it's so cool and I don't know how to do it! I tried to watch youtube vids but I'm out of string anyways so it's kinda pointless. I gotta figure it out before I go on the train so I can kill 4.5 hours!

PS, I heart Jen. I wish I met her long ago. We could've been bonding all this time! We didn't fall ice skating and that was fantastic. it was great to have a partner who's about the same skill level because that rarely happens for me at anything. Too bad she leaves tomorrow :(

I'm wearing running tights and loving them. Too bad they're not as flattering as they feel.

I'm watching a special on conjoined twins. EWWW. Thank god I'm healthy.

I'm nervous, excited, nervous, excited. ahhh. I'm hoping this adventure goes well. please let it go well. the other half doesn't seem to care but i'm pre-occupado. one friend already doesn't want to meet me. this is where my concerns come about because we have nothing in common and normally i just shrug that off but if i cant handle halo and staying up til 3, i'm gonna be rejected. instantly.

...please just let this go well. i want it to work, more than anything right now.

im watching extreme home makeover now. fantastic. housewives are on after! wish i was with my 412 ladies for that, won't lie.

darn snow. Katie was supposed to come visit but of course that didn't work out. Bummer bummer bummer. It's okay, we have months to go together! okay it will be fine.

I never know how personal I can get on my blog because I don't know if it gets read. I could bash or compliment my heart out because I bet nobody sees it! But then there's one chance someone cares about my life and it blows up.

I need to re-do my resume and start applying for jobs. Need money but need experience. Don't know what to do.

Mom made chicken and pasta and BROCCOLI for dinner! That's what I wish every night was like. I seriously need to get on a diet like this so my cool pants keep fitting. I'd be happy if I was a size 6 for the rest of my life. I know numbers shouldn't matter but 6 just feels so much better than 8 and it's the closest I'm getting in my adult life to feeling pretty. As soon as these bangs are gone...

oh hey, just gave away a car on tv. wish that could happen to me. yikes.

need a pedicure.

need lots of things.

happiness would be okay too. but i do love some material possessions as well...need a pretty outfit for january. maybe at the big mall? I just want to bond.

Gotta get back on a normal sleeping schedule because I have to be up at 7 to take mama to work so I can work out and do my errands. bahhhh. humbug.

I am the grinch sometimes.


Gotta readjust